My knee jerk response to this question is "because I am human." I was not there when God laid the foundation of the world. In fact, I sometimes have difficult seeing the foundation or even feeling as if my feet are firmly planted on it. Doubt propels me to use the mustard seed of faith I have: that mustard seed I grasp tightly, finding solace that the light will reappear again. The people who walk in darkness have seen a great light...and the darkness did NOT overcome it.
There is a shadow cast over this week. We will march to the Cross with Jesus, and we will say goodbye to a beloved member in our faith community. We lost one of our most vivacious members on Saturday morning. It was a swift and unexpected death. And, we find ourselves sitting the valley of the shadow, doubting, hurting, and wondering if we will see the light of Easter.
The daughter of our member told me last night that one reason our beloved member was drawn to the Lutheran church (between her Baptist roots and Catholic work place) was that our emphasis was on grace, not guilt. So often when we ask questions of faith, when we are honest about our doubts, we have a programmed guilt that sets in. Yet, doubts are often the stepping stones of spiritual growth. If I am unsettled, if I am disturbed, if I am not certain, then I am open to seeking: seek ye first the Kingdom of God. We cannot buy spiritual growth or share it with another. It is something unique to each one of us as we plod along our daily lives, seeking God, seeking Kingdom, seeking peace, and seeking reconciliation.
Yet, there is a nascent spiritual immaturity that can creep in with doubt: pouting. If we do not get our way, if we do not get the answers that we want, we can turn our back on the journey and become luke-warm, disgruntled, and sick. Our doubts are there for a reason: how might we engage them toward wholeness and growth? As Anne Lamott says wisely: the opposite of faith is not doubt, it is certainty.
Where have I failed to seek growth in my doubting? Have I upstreamed the blame for the messiness I see? Am I too immature to sit with the darkness, the emptiness, too immature to cultivate the patience to wait for the light to return again?
There will be darkness this week. There will be tears, pain and suffering. There will be doubting, fear, travail, and abandonment. There will also be healing, comfort, sustenance, and reassurance. Will we dare to be there? Will we too run for the hills? Will our doubts propel us inward or outward?
Were you there when they crucified my Lord?
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